ITS GETTING THICK IN HERE
PRESENTS...
A ONE ACT PLAY ENTITLED
"AMERICAN DISCOURSE"
DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
Ms. Palin - Former Governor of Alaska and Vice Presidential Candidate
Teabaggers - Mob of misinformed and angry "patriots"
Rahmbo - Foul-mouthed White House Chief of Staff
President Obama - 44th President of the United States
Kossack #1 } Devoted readers of Daily Kos. Dislikes Reasonable Democrat, and hates Blug Dog Democrat
Kossack #2 }
Reasonable Democrat - A reader of Daily Kos who sometimes disagrees with #1 and #2
Reasonable Republican - Last Seen in 2001, rumored to exist in the forests of the Pacific Northwest and Maine. A few have supposedly been spotted in Illinois, but reports are unverified.
Mike Enzi - Senator from Wyoming
Max Baucus - Senator from Montana
Progressive Congressional Democrats - Frustrated members who are angry with the Baucus cabal.
Birthers - Mob, similar to Teabaggers, who can't believe a "colored" was elected President without some elaborate conspiracy involving his secret birth in Kenya on the planet Melmak
Blue Dog Democrat- The Kossack's greatest enemy
Henry Clay - "The Great Compromiser", has been dead for 152 years.
CNN, Politico, New York Times, E! - So Called Liberal Media
Glenn Beck - Insane asylum escapee who somehow has his own TV show.
Rush Limbaugh - Unquestioned leader of the Republicans, and champion of "free media"
Rupert Murdoch - News Corp boss
Michelle Bachmann - A woman so incredibly out of touch with reality, she might be a performance piece that puts Stephen Colbert to shame.
MS. PALIN - OMG! Obama's pallin around with terrorists. This isn't real America. The troops wish you to stop making things up as I see Russia from my back door. Obama will create death panels to kill my grands...oops I mean son. Michelle Bachmann knows what she is talking about. also.
(Watches Bachmann Video)
MICHELLE BACHMANN: BARACK OBAMA IS ANTI-AMERICAN!!!! NO STUDY HAS EVER STATED CARBON DIOXIDE EMISSIONS CAN BE BAD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT. WE SHOULD INVESTIGATE WHETHER DEMOCRATS ARE PRO-AMERICAN!!!
BLUE DOG DEMOCRAT: (Please don't hurt me)
(Posts surprisingly coherent comments to Facebook)
POLITICO: Ms. Palin has concerns with Obama's Health Care Plan
Rush Limbaugh: POLITICO IS CLEARLY IN CAHOOTS WITH PRESIDENT OBAMA!!!!
Teabaggers: OBAMA = HITLER!!!!!! HE WANTS TO KILL RETARDS AND OLD PEOPLE!!!! OBAMA IS A TOTAL SOCIALIST WHO IS ALSO A NAZI.
Reasonable Democrat: Obviously, Ms. Palin is incorrect. If you read the bill she is referring to, it talks about funding
optional end of of life consultations. You know, living wills, the things that you can create to say you want to be kept on life support six months after your heart stops breathing? Nobody is saying the government will force you to end your life earlier than you like, just help you pay for the consultation, something the government has supported for years.
Teabaggers: LIAR, OBAMA IS CLEARLY IN CAHOOTS WITH HITLER STALIN MUSSOLINI!!!! HEALTH CARE REFORM == HOLOCAUST!!!!! NO OBAMACARE AND KEEP YER HANDS OFFA OUR MEDICARE
GLENN BECK: RAWR OBAMCARE IS SOCIALISM ITS TIME FOR REVOLUTION OBAMA IS RACIST BUT DOESN'T HATE WHITE PEOPLE
(throws feces)
REASONABLE DEMOCRAT: (sigh). I'm going to CNN.com
CNN: Obama faces opposition from everybody, including ghosts of FDR And Truman, due to Teabaggers.
REASONABLE DEMOCRAT: OK, lets try the New York Times
New York Times: Is Obama A US Citizen - Some Republicans Think Otherwise. In other News, Does Sadaam still have WMDs?
REASONABLE DEMOCRAT: ughh....screw it, I'm going to Kos.
(Loads dailykos.com. Checks a link titled "F@#K You, Rahmbo!". Reads about Rahmbo calling progressive dems ads targeting Blue dogs "fucking stupid".)
RAHM EMANUEL: YOUR ADS ARE FUCKING STUPID! WHY ARE YOU ATTACKING BLUE DOGS WHO ARE OBSTRUCTING YOUR BIGGEST LEGISLATIVE GOAL? WE ARE TRYING TO PULL OFF A PERFECT RECORD THIS SEASON, BEFORE THOSE FUCKING PATRIOTS DO IT!!!!!
REASONABLE DEMOCRAT: Well, I wish he would direct his anger towards the blue dogs who seem intent on watering down this bill, but he is right. We shouldn't be attacking other dems. I am sure the kossacks are on the same page on this one.
KOSSACK #1: OMG RAHMBO AND HIS BUDDY OFAILBA ARE CLEARLY DINOS!!!! WE SHOULD PRIMARY THEM!!!! WE DEMAND IDEOLOGICAL PURITY!!!!
KOSSACK #2: I AGREE, OBAMA AND RAHMBO ARE NOTHING BUT GEORGE W. BUSH PART III, THE SEARCH FOR STOCK. THEY ARE CLEARLY WORSE THAN JERRY FALWELL AND SARAH PALIN COMBINED. I AM SO DISAPPOINTED. WE SHOULD START OUR OWN PARTY.
REASONABLE DEMOCRAT: Come on guys, calm down. I wish Obama was a little more forceful in his defense of progressive health care goals, but this is governing. We're the party of differing opinions, remember? We need something, and Obama won't sign something that isn't helpful. It may not be everything we want, but it will be a good start.
KOSSACKS #1 AND #2: STFU!!!! YOU ARE CLEARLY THE STUPIDEST PERSON EVER TO LIVE. HOW CAN YOU SAY THESE CORPORATE TOOLS AREN'T STABBING US IN THE BACK. WE MUST KICK ALL OUT WHO DISAGREE WITH US.
REASONABLE DEMOCRAT: Stabbed in the back? What next, are you going to say Obama lost China? You are sounding far too much like the wingnuts. We need to stick together, and push back against the GOP. A united front can push the debate to the left, and give cover to the Blue Dogs so they can move towards our goals. We mustn't let the unattainable perfect get in the way of the good.
KOSSACKS #1 AND #2: BUT I WANT EVERYTHING NOW!!!! WHAAAA!!!!!!
REASONABLE DEMOCRAT: Remember what we have to deal with from the other side
(SHOWS HIGHLIGHT REAL OF REPUBLICANS)
MS. PALIN: OUT HERE IS REAL AMERICA, NOT WHERE THOSE LIBERALS ARE FROM!!!
MICHELLE BACHMANN: OBAMA IS ANTI-AMERICAN
BIRTHERS: WE HAVE A FOR REALS BIRTH CERT THAT SHOWS OBAMA WAS BORN IN MOMBATU, GRAND DUCHY OF KENYANISTAN, ON THE FIFTH MOON OF RIGEL in 275 BC to KAL-EL OBAMA AND CLEOTUT THE ISLAMOFASCIST. ITS FOR TRUTH, GLENN BECK SAYS SO!!!!
GLENN BECK: AHHHHHHHHGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! BOBAMBA MOMBAMA ME MI GOBAMBA I LOVE AMERICA OBAMACARE WILL KILL KITTENS AND PUPPIES WOWREREGPERKHGEPTEITEPPOTEP
RUSH LIMBAUGH: I HOPE HE FAILS, AND I HOPE I CAN GET SOME MORE OXYCONTIN. REPUBLICANS ARE SCARED OF ME. I COULD SAY TOTAL BULLSHIT UP HERE, AND MY LISTENERS WOULD BE PROUD TO REPEAT IT. OBAMACARE WANTS TO CLOSE MCDONALDS AND INSTITUTE MANDATORY SEX CHANGES.
TEABAGGERS - WHAAAAAAA, I WANT TO KEEP MY PRIVATES AND MY BIG MACS. OBAMBA CARE CAN KEEP ITS HANDS OF MY FATTY FOODS. I AIN'T GOIN ON THE RAG FOR THAT RAGHEAD. IN RUSH WE TRUST!
REASONABLE REPUBLICAN:
(A tumbleweed rolls by. A blurry image appears in the distance that looks like Olympia Snowe, but we aren't sure)
(We return to reality)
REASONABLE DEMOCRAT: See what we are up against? This ain't 1965, Mitch McConnell ain't Everett Dirksen, and Sarah Palin ain't Nelson Rockefeller. Starting with Reagan, they handed the asylum over to the inmates, particularly the rabid right wing evangelists. They demonized any Republican who believed in responsible government, protection of civil liberties, and sensible foreign relations. Instead of believing we are all in this together, they instituted a belief in "I got mine, so fuck you". They made it okay to not care about our fellow Americans. And the Democrats let them do it. They let them call us soft on crime, soft on drugs, and soft on terrorists. Many of them called us traitors for questioning the war in Iraq, and compare us to the Nazis AND communists. They don't believe in debate, because accepting other viewpoints as valid kills their illusion of unquestioned righteousness. They believe dichotomy is an absolute, when dichotomy is rarely found in reality. Our country is fucked up at this point, and it will take a lot just to get the debate back to a point where reason can dominate. We can't move too far too fast without scaring away our Blue Dog friends (and yes, they are our friends). One way we certainly can't get ahead is by eating our own. I know its a Democratic pastime, but we have to stop it. Discussion is great, debate is crucial, but we must stand up for what we believe in. What that is? I'll get back to you on that answer.
KOSSACKS #1 AND #2: GO BACK TO FREEPERLAND, YOU DINO.
-----HYPOTHETICAL SCENE IN DC-----
PROGRESSIVE CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATS - Mr. President, we beseech you to back us up on this. We need a strong public option or this bill will fail.
BLUE DOG DEMOCRATS - I know you guys want that, but we can't stand that. It smacks of socialism, and I just don't think we can survive its passage.
PROGRESSIVE CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATS - WE NEED CHANGE, BLUE DOGS!!! HOW CAN YOU SIT THERE AND SAY THAT REPREHENSIBLE CRAP? OH YEAH, I FORGOT YOU ARE TOOLS OF THE INSURANCE COMPANIES.
RAHMBO - STOP ATTACKING MY FUCKING CONGRESSMEN, YOU FUCKING HACKS. WE DON'T HAVE A BASE, YOU FUCKERS. BLUE DOGS MUST BE RESPECTED. YOU WILL HAVE TO TAKE ONE FOR THE FUCKING TEAM, LOSERS.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Gentlemen, please. We are all friends here. I would love to support a public option, but I'm not sure we've got the votes for it. Max Baucus and his caped crusaders don't think we do.
PROGRESSIVE CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATS - But, he isn't listening to us. Its all about a bullshit compromise that the Republicans will never vote for. I hear he is giving up CHIP, for god's sake!
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Just give him some time, please. I beg of you.
(We move to Capitol Hill)
MAX BAUCUS: OK, We sacrificed the public option, we've cut medicare benefits, we've destroyed most of the bill, and we've gutted CHIP. Will you support the bill now?
MIKE ENZI: I Can't support this bill. It still has a few points that help Democrats. You must meet us in the middle if you really believe in compromise. This still smacks too much of unbridled socialism.
MAX BAUCUS: But, but, this is supposed to be my legacy. How can you do this?
MIKE ENZI: Hey, that's your problem. We think our system is fine. In fact, we believe health insurance companies need even less oversight and regulation. After all, unbridled greed works to make profits. If you can't get healthcare, you don't deserve it because you are clearly lazy or weak.
MAX BAUCUS: Ok, how we gut everything, including the pre-existing conditions exclusion ban, and just give everybody a first aid kit?
MIKE ENZI: Sorry, still too socialist. How about you kiss my ass and like it, then shave a swatiska into your head. Then we might be close to a deal.
MAX BAUCUS: This is bi-partisanship at its best. I'm glad I am bought and sold by the insurance companies, because I don't think my constituents would like this. God I wish Bingaman would have shut up about that damn public option. Health Care Reform, who needs it. I got mine, and everything is a-ok. Sorry kids, you'll just have to hope mommy and daddy can get a adjustable rate mortgage to pay for that leukemia.
---BACK TO THE CRAZINESS OUT IN THE REST OF THE COUNTRY----
REPUBLICANS (IN UNISON): FLAGRANT LIES, FLAGRANT LIES, AND MORE FLAGRANT LIES. CALL EM SOCIALIST NAZIS ENOUGH, AND THE LABEL WILL STICK. BI PARTISANSHIP = DO WHAT WE WANT, OR WE WON'T SUPPORT IT. WILL DELAY AND DELAY, THEN BACK OUT AND CALL YOU UNREASONABLE FOR STANDING FOR PRINCIPLES. WHEN WILL YOU GET IT THAT THE ONLY PRINCIPLE IS WINNING? ITS EVERYONE FOR THEMSELVES AND FUCK THE REST OF YOU.
DEMOCRATS (NEVER IN UNISON): FUCK YOU! NO FUCK THOSE WHO SAY FUCK YOU! I'M NOT SURE OBAMA IS LIBERAL ENOUGH! I THINK OBAMA IS TOO LIBERAL! PARTY UNITY MY ASS! Please don't hurt us. YES WE CAN! NO WE CAN'T!
(The Ghost of Henry Clay materializes. He speaks in a curiosly modern version of English)
HENRY CLAY: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY? I WORKED MY ASS OFF TO KEEP IT TOGETHER IN 1820 and 1850 (and sort of with that asshole Jackson in 1832). SURE, THE SOUTH STILL FUCKED ME OVER AND FOLLOWED CALHOUN'S ADVICE. BUT WHAT DID IT GET THEM? A CENTURY OF BACKWARDSNESS AND POVERTY.
This country was built on compromise. Sure, sometimes compromise isn't pretty, and it isn't everything the parties involve want. You can't imagine how pissed some of my Whigs were about that Fugitive Slave Act part in the Great Compromise. Of course, the other side considered it a bad deal because they had to compromise at all. Maybe what I did failed in the end, but it seemed better than Civil War. Sure we survived that, but there were times where it wasn't a sure thing. I did what I thought was right, and I would do it again.
If you modern Americans can take anything from our failure to stop the tragedy of that war, it is that unbending rhetoric that lacks introspection is dangerous. The Republicans, who were apparently built from the embers of the northern portion of the Whig party, have done a complete 180 and are starting to sound like the good Senator Calhoun. They can't see the validity of any viewpoint other than their own, and are afraid of change eclisping their comfortable present. Far too many of their leaders have stepped down a dangerous path, and some serious people need to step back from the ledge and examine things.
As for the Democrats, you are as disparate as the Whig party. Its hard for a party to get anything accomplished when its one basic unifying goal is being against the other guys. Trust me, I know. After all, our party was pretty much founded on the principle of being against Andrew Jackson. We could win some victories in Congress, and did win two Presidential Elections. However, we never were as strong or as unified as the other party, and we broke up over the issue of slavery. You need to find a common cause, and work towards it. Perhaps this President O'Bama...
hmm....Barak O'Bama? An Irish Jew is President? How odd.
Wait, the President is a WHAT?
Ummm....ok....I'm not sure I'm qualified for this century. After all, I owned some of them back in Kentucky. Still my point is the same. You guys need to figure it out, or unhappy things will be in the future.
(The parties pause for a moment, as Henry Clay dissipates into the evening. They begin yelling at each other again.)
